Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
by Dr. John Gray
The book gives the analogy of people from Mars meeting the people from Venus – things are so different between the two groups and so they must learn about each other to live in harmony…
– Love can be great and can last when we will remember and respect each other’s differences.
– We think that our spouse should think like us, but that is not how it works.
– Men want to put on their Mr. fix-it hat the moment they hear their wife talk, but a woman does not want every situation to be fixed rather to be listened to.
– Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed, and women feel motivated and empowered when they are listened to and cherished.
– Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
– When a man is upset, all he wants to do is be alone; when a woman is upset she wants someone to be there so feel like she has support and someone cares for her. Many misunderstandings come from not understanding this difference.
– Blaming your partner never works, compassion does.
– Every man’s deepest fear is that he is not needed or not competent.
– A man’s silence is often hurtful to his wife because she misinterprets his silence. A woman is only silent which she does not have anything nice to say or because she does not really like the other person – so a man’s silence to a woman is interpreted that he does not love her and rejects her.
– Men feel frustrated by problems unless they are doing something to fix them but women just want the man to listen. If the woman will learn to show appreciation with her words, the man will not feel useless by just listening.
– When there are misunderstandings, remember that you and your spouse speak different languages, so try to understand your spouse.
– Men and women’s emotional needs are different, they usually give what they want from the other person and as a result become resentful. Both feel like they give and give and do not get back… therefore they become frustrated.
– Men primarily need trust, acceptance, appreciation, approval, admiration, and encouragement.
– Women primarily need understanding, respect, devotion, caring, validation, and reassurance.
– Three mistakes that man primarily make when it comes to women’s emotional needs:
1. He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs.
2. He listens but then gets angry and blames her for making him upset.
3. After listening, he says nothing and just gets up and walks away – making her feel insecure because she did not receive what she needed.
– Communication is one of the most important elements in marriage, and arguments may be the most discouraging element in marriage.
– It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument.
– The best way to stop an argument is to just stop talking, take a timeout and reflect on how you are talking to your spouse. Try to understand that you may not be giving your spouse what she needs. Then come back and in a loving and respectful way begin talking again.
– Many arguments start or continue because we do not feel like we receive love – we must remember that we are from different planets and speak different languages.
– Women need to be cared for and men need to be trusted. Women need validation, men need approval.
– Sometimes the best way to fix a problem is write a letter. When you write a letter, you can see your own feelings written down and change it – you are more thoughtful and cautious when writing it down because you want to explain well.
– When you want to feel better, write a love letter.
– If you want more, you have to ask for it. Most people have a problem asking. Not demanding but asking. Simply be direct.
– We cannot expect our spouse to always be loving, we also must have the gift of understanding.
– The process of learning does not mean just forgetting and forgiving, but remembering and applying.
– Give your spouse permission to make mistakes.
– You are a pioneer so understand that you’ll be lost at times and your spouse will as well be lost at times as well.