Book Summaries

Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud & John Townsend

 

– Boundaries help us determine where something begins or something ends. Boundaries also help us determine ownership as well as responsibilities. Boundaries also Provide protection (to keep the bad out and the good in).

 

– 10 laws of boundaries:

1. The law of Sowing and Reaping.

– Our actions have consequences.

– The old saying that you hurt most the ones you love most is very true.

2. The law of Responsibility.

– The spouse has to feel responsible for the feelings of the other spouse.

– We are responsible to each other but not for each other. – Gal 6:2,5

3. Law of Power.

– You have the power to change yourself.

– Many times we do that which we do not want to, but we do have the power to change it.

– We have to take the beam out of our own eye first – Matthew 7:1–5

– We cannot change others, but we can influence them for the good.

4. Law of Respect.

– If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we have to respect their’s.

– Dying to your wishes and seeing things their way.

5. Law of Motivation.

6. Law of Evaluation.

– Sometimes we need to go through pain or rough times to learn a lesson.

– You must decipher if the pain leads to injury or it leads to growth… if to injury, than change, but if it leads to growth than bear the pain and learn.

7. Law of Proactivity.

– Proactive boundaries keep freedom.

– Proactive people deal with or face problems all the time, but they hold onto the love they have.

8. Law of Envy.

– Envy is focusing on what others have instead of what we have. Always comparing and looking at others.

– Adam and Eve felt envy in the garden of Eden when they had everything that they could want except for one thing… and they wanted that.

– Envy is miserable.

9. Law of Activity.

– This law states that we should take action and fix our problems instead of staying passive.

– It is taking initiative.

– Active people make many steaks and wise people learn from those mistakes.

– All that evil needs to abound is for people to do nothing.

10. Law of Exposure.

– Law of exposure states that we must be clear and talk about what our boundaries are. Your spouse should know where lines are drawn, but cannot know unless you talk about them.

– Problems can be resolved and even avoided when boundaries are exposed. When things are talked about, they can be agreed-upon.

– We must take responsibility for our own lives, we cannot shift the responsibility to others.

– Boundaries with ourselves are much more important than boundaries in our marriage.

– Anytime we put our eyes on our own good, we are taking our eyes off of our own need for love and forgiveness.

– You cannot make your spouse grow up, but you can’t let their immaturity avoid some of the consequences it brings.

– Our highest calling to our spouses is to love them, just like our highest calling as a Christian is to love God.

– We should not try to play God in our marriage – when we try to act like God, we fail to love our spouse because we are trying to fix them.

– We could not live in denial. We cannot say that we are without sin or problems – 1 John 1:8. The opposite of denial is confession.

– Thinking that the sun rises and sets on us is damaging and destructive to our marriage. We must give more of ourselves than we might be comfortable with.

– Marriage exposes our weaknesses and failures to our spouse.

– Love cannot grow in an environment of fear.

– We must respect our spouses “no”.

– Do not punish a bad decision.

– We should not use guilt to con or get our own way.

– The golden rule, Jesus’ words on treating others like we would want to be treated, is the answer to how the marriage should be ran.

– Spouses should complete and complement each other, making them better

– Mature spouses always think of the needs and feelings of the other person.

– Valuing your wife’s opinion does not mean that you cannot do it without him or her, it means you care and want to know what they think.

– Allow a person the freedom of being different

– Galatians 5:13–14

– If you try to control or restrict your spouse, your companionship is destroyed.

– We should remember that ultimately we have to respond to God for how we treat each other. Our marriage is more than just about our spouse, it is about our God as well.

– You may want to give into the temptation to ignore or not listen, snapback or not care, but remember that you must submit to God and do what he teaches and commands.

– God’s ways work and if you would just do them, your marriage will work as well.

– The Bible teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves. That means you so deeply identify the feelings of your spouse that you identify her feelings as your feelings.

– Look past your behavior to the affects of your behavior.

– See your spouse as if you were him/her – would you want to be treated like that?

– Make a commitment to your spouse, enter into a covenant. God makes a covenant with us, that he would love us and never leave us. Hebrews 13:5.

– If someone is not committed in marriage, and if leaving is an option, then why try to work it out and go through the pain, isn’t it easier just to leave? Some do not leave physically, but they do leave emotionally… taking their heart out of it.

– A runner can not see the finish line when he’s only halfway through the race, but the commitment to finish will keep him going. And so it is with marriage, the commitment to continue may take give you what you need to see it you through.

– Commitment provide security to your spouse that you are going to continue even through hard times.

– Love is the foundation for marriage, love for God and love for the other person. It is sacrificial, giving and selfless.

– Deception undermines love; lying in a marriage does harm but the lying itself does much more than what is being lied about.

– Intimacy comes from knowing the other person on a deep level.

– If you are to have a good relationship, you must commit to each other to be honest – but remember that you must show grace when your spouse is being honest.

– Many things compete for your love. A marriage does not stay strong just because you started off with a good marriage, you must work at it.

– As a bank guards it’s money, so a marriage must guard it’s most valuable thing, love.

– Here are some intruders that weakens the bond of marriage: work, kids, outside hobbies and interests, TV, in-laws, financial strains, friends, addictions, affairs, etc. Some things are not bad in themselves, but if not careful, they can be intruders in a marriage.

– Marriage is not supposed to be the end-all of fulfillment, that would be idolatry. God is the only one who could fulfill us completely. Colossians 1:17

– Date nights are a very important instrument that can prevent intruders in a marriage. Intimacy is another way to prevent intruders in a marriage. – If you have character issues, do not blame it on your spouse.

 

– You cannot fix a problem if:

1. You do not recognize it. (if you will not admit it and do not see it, nothing will get better.)

2. You will not talk about it. (you have to talk about it to fix things)

3. You will not own it. (Confess, apologize, or forgive if needed.)

 

– Remember the basic laws of communication:

1. Listen and try to understand the other person.

2. Empathize with the other person.

3. Do not devalue what the other person is saying by defending or justifying, just listen.

4. Clarify what the other person is saying by asking questions.

5. Use “I” statements letting the person know that you understand and take responsibility.

 

– Boundaries work best when both of the spouses agree. Love flourishes when both spouses respect and receive the boundaries of the other.

– Revenge is not an option for us, revenge belongs to God.

– Ignoring a problem will not make it better. Time alone does not heal things, you must face it and fix it.

– Almost never is their a problem in that one spouse is 100% wrong and the other spouse 0% wrong, almost always there is a shared blame a problem.

– Forgiveness is burning the account.

Black Like Me

By John Howard Griffin

 

True story of a man who paints his skin or dies his skin black and shaves his head to see how the racist tension is towards him as a black man. He is immediately accepted by the black people and they give him a place to stay, warn him and help him along the way. The white people discriminate by calling him names, not letting him sit down or use restrooms in certain places, and much more. He kept his name Though he keeps the same name or does not change his voice, he was not rejected by the whites but was excepted by the black just because of his skin color.

Pretty interesting that just because of the color of his skin he is totally accepted by the blacks and finds out that they are nice, cordial and protective over their “own people”. His observation is that the blacks love their kids like white people, they are moral or immoral just like white people, etc.

The missionary application reminds me of Hudson Taylor, a man who rejected the western culture to become Chinese in his dress, culture and food diet. The westerners rejected him, but the Chinese accepted him.

If a missionary keeps his “American attitude” (believing he is superior) he will be treated as an outsider, but if he will jump into the culture and become like the people, he will be accepted, loved and protected by the people he is working wit

Anatomy of a Missions Church

by Ron Maggard

 

– Head – Christ is the head of the church.

– Feet – we are the feet to carry the gospel.

– Hand – His hand must be upon us to get anything done.

– Ears – we need to hear from God, have our ears open and be listening.

– Eyes – we must see like our Savior sees. See the great need and have compassion. Double vision. They are sheep without a pastor.

– Heart – we must have a heart like God’s heart. Be tender.

– Knees – prayer is a very vital part of the church and is very much lacking today.

 

– “The man who mobilizes the Christian church to pray will make the greatest contribution to world evangelization in history.” — Andrew Murray

– “The need is great everywhere but it is still greatest in the regions beyond. May we not forget any of them. May God set our hearts on fire to get the Gospel to the next towns until we have reached the uttermost part of the earth.” — Ron Maggard

Adoniram Judson, Bound for Burma

by Janet and Geoff Benge

 

– Began reading at three years old.

– Very intelligent young man, top of this class.

– Arrived to college at age 16. Finished college in three years instead of four – upon taking his entrance test, he was able to skip his freshman year because he was so intelligent.

– He had to drop out of school for a while to work and get money, but went back and made up the classes and still finished as valedictorian.

– Became a deist because of a rich friend. It saddened his parents but he thought he was so intelligent that he could explain everything.

– One day he went to his uncles house and met a young preacher and he said that the preacher did not have all the intellectual answers, but had something that he, Judson, did not have.

– He got his horse and started traveling west and when he came to a hotel, he stayed in a room with a young man that was dying on the other side of a hung-sheet that divided the room. He could not sleep that night because of the groans and began to wonder what was going to happen to that young man. He thought about death, eternity, ghosts, and dreamed about skeletons dancing on the grave. He thought how his dearest friend would mock him for just having those thoughts. He woke up the next morning and found out that the young man next to his room died. Come to find out it was that same deist friend that had let him astray. It shook him to his core.

– He got on track for the Lord and went to another college. God began to get a hold of his heart.

– He checked out a small booklet from the library that talked about the need around the world and he believed God was calling him to missions.

– The director of that seminary offered to him the position of assistant pastor at the largest church in all of New England. He rejected it because he said God wanted him to be a missionary.

– He along with four other men banded together to take the Gospel to those around the world. They did not have funds so him and another friend traveled to London to ask the London missionary Society if they would support the five Americans to go as missionaries.

– He met Ann, later to become his wife, at a church and began corresponding with her. She wanted Judson to talk to her dad, who was a deacon, and soon Judson wrote a letter to her parents telling them if she marries him, they may never see her again. They agreed and soon Judson married Ann.

– On their way to India, Judson was studying and became convinced that baptism was by immersion and not sprinkling. So he was baptized and became a Baptist.

– Multiple times the East India Company tried to not let Judson stay as a missionary, but he was persistent and got on the boat heading to Burma.

– Their first baby was born dead.

– At different times they found favor in the eyes of the government officials and we’re protected.

– When Britain fought against Burma, he was arrested and taken to jail as a spy. He was beaten, mistreated and for over a year every night they chained him up and his feet were lifted off the ground, only leaving his head and shoulders on the ground at night.

– His wife buried his translation of the Bible that he had been working on for years b/c she knew it would decay so she put it into a lumpy pillow and took it to Adoniram in jail.

– He stayed in jail for a long time until the war ended. The government needed to translate the British agreement to end the war and the only people that could translate was Judson and his friends that were in jail.

– After they were taken out of jail, Judson was nervous about his Bible translation, believing that he had lost it. Come to find out, the guards found his pillow and threw it out because it was so nasty. Judson’s first convert just happened to be passing by that prison and saw the old pillow thrown in the street. Knowing the pillow belonged to, he took it to him and the translation work was saved. God’s amazing sovereignty!

– His wife died and sometime after he married a missionary wife whose husband died a few years earlier. They had a couple of children together and then were to travel back to the United States for a time. She died, leaving Judson a widower once again.

– Judson became ill and was told to take a trip at sea to get better. As he was on the ship, he had nothing to read so a man on the ship gave him a book to read. Judson began to read it and said he very much liked the style of the author. Judson said he would like to meet her and the owner of the book laughed, saying that could be arranged since the author just happened to be staying at his house. Judson met her and after corresponding for a time, they married. She was 30 years old and Judson was 54 or 57 years old. They married and went back to Burma together.

52 Things Wives Need from their Husbands

by Jay Payleitner

 

– Never suggest or think that marriage is a 50-50 proposition. We are a team, we share and console, we help, give and receive. Marriage is 100-100.

– Wives need their husbands to kiss them.

– Thinking about what your bride likes will strengthen your marriage.

– Think about, study and know what your wife likes and then make it happen.

– A wise husband will make a list of the things that his wife likes and update it regularly. Then every week try to get or do one of the things that she likes.

– Wives need their husbands to leave so that they can cleave. You cannot hold onto your mother and family and still try to cleave to your wife.

– The family that you came from is not as important as the family that you have.

– While a guy can be ready for sex in matter of seconds, a woman can’t be derailed from sex in a matter of seconds. So learn to put distractions out of the way: a lock on the door, kids laid down or busy, music on, phone off, etc.

– Never go to bed bad, it’s better to stay up and fight.

– If you believe what the comedians and other say about marriage (that it is either a prison or battleground) than you really deserve what you have.

– You might not always get what you want, but you get what you expect – Charles Spurgeon

– Challenge yourself to go several days without saying anything mean or negative to your wife. Better yet, try to say something nice to your wife every day for a week.

– You as the husband need to read the verses before and after Ephesians 5:22.

– Your wife needs you to take the leadership role, but she need you to lead in love.

– We are quick to say that we would take a bullet for our wife, but that will probably never happen. She doesn’t need you to take a bullet, she needs you to sacrificially love her – that means putting her needs before yours.

– Wives need their husbands to ask forgiveness in a tone that says they really mean it.

– Asking forgiveness and giving forgiveness is what Christians do, because we have a great teacher: Jesus.

– Protect your marriage by not keeping secrets or having a relationship with other women besides your wife.

– Insist on your wife’s input, you would likely be helped by it.

– Wives need their husbands to be the pastor of their home. Just be the best Christian that you can be, and your wife and children will be encouraged to be the best Christians as well. Do, then model, then teach.

– Agree on what you will spend money on – finances cause big problems in marriage. Give the God, be generous, don’t go in debt, save,…

– Wives need their husbands to only have eyes for her.

– The world’s concept is that you can look but not touch, but Jesus said looking is adultery as well. You must let your wife be the point of your fantasy, no one else. Your bride is the most beautiful woman in the world, so start acting like it, believing it and seeing it.

– Your wife is as beautiful as you see her. Beauty is more in the mind than it is the eyes.

– Don’t be afraid to be a family man, it brings some of the greatest joys. We are pressured to believe that masculinity is taken away when we have a minivan and help our kids, but that is so far from the truth.

– One of the reasons that we have our wives is to keep us accountable.

– You lose almost every time you go into a rage. Proverbs 14:17 – Have love in your marriage that is intentional, sacrificial and continual.

– Work on the areas that you are weak in – you need help from your wife and your Creator. You can and should have a plan to work on areas. –

It takes real strength to be gentle.

– Learn to be smart and overlook things.

– Surrendering to your wife’s request is usually a very smart move to make.

– Your wife need you to be a father to the children. She automatically has a bond to the children because of caring them and birthing them, but too many fathers are absent in the children’s lives.

– Your wife needs you to stay away from flirting with anybody but her.

– Your children will have a much greater chance of getting married and staying married if you will work through your problems and stay married instead of getting divorced.

– If something is on the honey-do list, be a honey and do it.

– Your wife needs you as the husband to put her second, making God first in marriage as well as your own life. If you love and follow God, He will teach you how to be the best husband, father and man – and that’s what your wife and your family needs.

– With God, your marriage is stronger. Ecclesiastes 4:12.

– Your wife need you to repudiate porn. It is not enough to just turn away from, you must turn to the Lord. He’s the only one who can help you and give victory in this seductive world. If your eye causes you to fall, gouge it out and don’t let it make you fall. Matthew 18:9.

– Kiss your wife. Do it in public, in front of your kids and frequently. Hold her and look in her before you kiss her telling her that you love her, but do make sure you kiss her. Kiss her unselfishly, not only when you want sex.

– The thought of giving is more valuable than the gift. Think of your wife and get her something.

– Understand that there will come a time when you fade out in your love, but keep loving. Every good sports player and coach knows the importance of going back to the basics. So go back to doing the basics in marriage: doing things friends do, doing things lovers do, going on walks, etc. Falling in love is fantastic, but staying in love is even better.

– You can make your wife looks beautiful – to others, to you and to herself. Tell her and see her through eyes that believes she is beautiful. If you see your wife as beautiful, she is!

52 Things Kids Need from a Dad

by Jay Payleitner

 

– If you spend time with your kids now, they will spend time with you later.

– Proverbs 17:6

– Children are born with the deficit that only father can fill.

– Kids need their dads to beat the odds (drug use, sex, confusion, lying, etc.), all of which can be reduced if dads are doing their jobs at home.

– A father’s absence in the home is connected with so many negative things (future and present)… So a father’s presence at home can avoid much bad.

– Kids need their dads to stop and make memories.

– Never miss an opportunity to make a memory.

– A man’s memory is powerful, so stop make memories.

– A kid should know that there’s always a hug waiting for him/her.

– Tuck in your kids every night.

– Practice persistent parenting; be there for your children every day.

– Teach your children to be optimist instead of pessimist; to make lemonade with the lemons. Use setbacks in life to teach your children how to have a good attitude and get through it instead of get mad at it.

– Your kids are always watching, so look for a way to turn the negative into a positive.

– Start a file folder for each one of your children – keeping notes, drawings and other things for each one of them. We cannot remember everything, but if we keep a file on items from our children, they make for good memories later on down the road.

– Take time to stand over the bed and pray for them while they are sleeping. There is power in the prayers of a father.

– We must be right with God in order to be most effective with our children.

– Don’t lie to your kids just to make your own life easier. Hypocrisy and lies build up walls but truth and honesty tear down walls.

– If something is important to your kids, make it important to you.

– Know where your kids are, who their best friends are and what’s going on in their lives. Both social media, what they read and in every day life.

– Answer their questions with a question to teach them and make them think. They need to learn to think, so teach them. Make questions into conversations.

– Make family traditions — for Christmas, easter, summer, etc.

– A home is to be lived in so don’t go crazy over something getting broke, getting dirty, messing up the grass, etc… most important thing is your kids, not the material things.

– Make your home a place other kids want to be at.

– Parenting is hard work but it can bring reward 10 fold.

– Sometimes splurging is good

– If a son or daughter turns their back on you, don’t turn your back on them.

– All kids need to feel, see and hear the words I love you. As dads, we love our children so much that we cannot imagine that they would doubt it, but they need to be affirmed that we love them.

– Whatever your kid is involved in, be involved in as well.

– Kids need their dads to be their greatest cheerleader.

– Often times the best way to encourage your kids is not with words – a smile, thumbs up, and shake, hug, etc.

– Kids need their dad to throw away the porn.

– Stop and reflect before opening your mouth. If your child is rejoicing, rejoice with him/ her instead of saying they could do better; be careful before you get on them or react in a way inappropriate. Think before you speak because your words carry a lot of weight.

– Proverbs 25:11 – a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.

– Choose your words carefully and polish them before you say them.

– Accidents happen so don’t make a big deal out of it. If your kids spilled something, start cleaning it up but don’t yell about it. We want our kids to know that if something bad happens, dad can fix it and make it better. If you rage every time something happens, your kids will not want to tell you when something bad happens and you will not be able to help them.

– Parents are already superheroes, they just need to act like it.

– Hold high standards with your children, appropriate dress, etc.

– Be careful about giving ultimatums – what happens if you say “no tattoos or you will be kicked out of the house” and then your child gets a tattoo?

– Show your children how bad decisions result in bad consequences.

– Your children are a gift from God and God has equipped you to teach them and give them exactly what they need for life.

– As parents, we are so busy in life that many times we lose the joy of raising our children.

– Have a daddy daughter date night. And when you go, don’t be busy on your phone, talking to other people or thinking about other things, give your full attention to your daughter.

– A daughter needs a daddy dance with her, talk with her, and tell her you love her.

– A son needs a dad who will spar with him. Physically and maybe even literally a son should have a sparring partner – he needs to know how to protect, love his family and wife, be a gentleman, play sports, be tough, etc.

– Kids need their dad to set some ground rules at home.

– Be aware of what your kids deal with before they are ever mentioned or before they ever become a problem. To stay one step ahead of your kids, you need to spend time with them and know what is going on in their little minds.

– Put important days/events on your calendar to schedule it and also to show your children who they are what they do is important to you.

– The most well known Bible verse on parenting deals with anticipatory parenting (Proverbs 22:6 – train up a child in the way you should go and when he is old he will not depart from it). Teach your children to stay sexually pure before they go on their first date. Teach your children to abstain from alcohol and drugs before they are presented with it. Teach your children how to drive before they ever get behind the wheel. Teach your children about God and eternity before they are old.

– What can you help your kids do today in order to help them succeed tomorrow.

– Turn learning into a game.

– Kids need to know that you love your wife, there mom, and that you are committed to a lifelong relationship. Most of the kisses they will see on TV are unmarried people but they need to know that you could be committed for life to be/stay in love.

– One of the best things that dad can do for their kids is love his wife.

– Kids need their dad to respect their mom. Respect, common courtesy and communication are the basics that every husband should have with his wife.

– Kids need their dad to equip them for life without them. Yes, model the right attitude and decision patterns, but as they grow older you have to teach them and turn it over to God. God provides many methods for decision-making (the Bible, Christian leaders, their mother, etc.) so you must realize you’re not the only one who can make decisions for them, but you have to help them so they can learn how to make decisions. We are to prepare them for life, when we are out of their every day life.

– One of the greatest legacies you can leave for your children is love. If your kids get a bad grade, love them; if they get into trouble, love them; if they don’t do what you wish they would do, love them. Yes, discipline them, teach them, and help them, but don’t forget to love them. Make sure they know you love them for who they are, not for what they do.

50 Self-Help Classics

by Tom Butler-Bowdon

 

(I do not think this was that great of a book, especially for getting the 50 different view points. Nevertheless here are a few of the better thoughts from it).

 

– You can alter your life by altering your attitude.

– Anyone can get a job, but do you have a purpose?

– Noble thoughts make a noble person and negative thoughts make a miserable person.

– A person is what he thinks about all day long.

– You could change your world by changing your mind.

– We may have to undo video of the things that we learned up to now in life.

– Don’t sweat the small stuff. Most of the things that we worry about at no impact it will not be remembered by this time next year.

– If we try to get friends only for what we can get out of them, that is not true friendship.

– The ability to handle people well is more important than other abilities.

– People skills can and should be learned.

– If you want to be blessed, blessed other people.

10% Happier
by Dan Harris

 

– The voice in our head can become very annoying. Many people may not even realize they have a voice in their head. We are not talking about hearing voices, we are talking about the narrator in our head, that intimate chatter from the time we open our eyes in the morning.

– Our happiness, shyness, skills, etc. is not determined at birth like many think, they are learned and acquired skills.

– It is possible to be depressed without even realizing it since your emotions have been cut off.

– Let the present moment be your friend instead of your enemy. Let it be what it is instead of an obstacle that you must overcome.

– Mindfulness is the ability to recognize what’s going on while still thinking

 

– RAIN

Recognize

Allow

Investigate (why is it happening)

Noting

– Respond don’t react

– We believe the lie that we’ll be happy when we finish or do the next thing.

– Do only one thing at a time

– Do something that relaxes and distracts you.

– A research showed that compassionate people are more content and happier than others.

– Complaining will make you feel bad.

– When you are mindful of others you will be more sensitive to others.

– Not letting your mind get locked in negativity will greatly better you.

– Don’t think everyone is out to get you.

– Humility prevents humiliation.

– Don’t be attached to results.

– Respond instead of react to your urges.

– There’s no point in being unhappy about things that you cannot change… or about things you can change.

– Don’t force it.

– Be firm but be kind.

– Your happiness can be self generated.