Everybody Wins
by Gary Chapman
– When you win an argument, your spouse loses, and no one enjoys being a loser.
– What does an argument accomplish? Yes, it can point out a complaint, but it only makes the relationship worse.
– When you argue, one of three conclusions will happen:
1. You win and your spouse loses.
2. You lose and your spouse wins.
3. You come to a draw, meaning you are both losers and one walks away thinking the other is right.
– You can resolve conflicts without having an argument.
– Conflicts are inevitable in marriage. The goal is not to get rid of conflicts, but to learn to resolve conflicts.
– We argue because we are rigid, believing we know the best way to do things and that there’s no other way. – Spouses that look for a way to resolve the conflict instead of argue the conflict have a win-win attitude; they look for the best results for both of them.
– Selfishness is the opposite of love. Seeking to resolve a conflict means you are not going to be selfish rather love the other person.
– Respect your spouse as a person.
– Conflicts are inevitable, but if a couple loves each other they can learn to attack the problem together instead of attacking each other.
– By nature we are all self-centered and that self-centeredness brings on arguments; thinking that your way is the only way and the right way. To solve conflicts, you need love, respect and togetherness.
– Conflict resolution requires empathetic listening.
– We are responders by nature, so we need to practice and remind ourselves to be good listeners.
– When you put everything aside and give your spouse your undivided attention, you are transmitting to your spouse that they are important to you.
– Empathetic listening means to give your spouse undivided attention. If you only give your spouse a portion of your attention (multitasking while they’re talking) you’re communicating that they’re not the most important to you, yet one of the many things.
– Empathetic listening means that you do not respond before your spouse finishes. Hear your spouse out, do not interrupt him/her in the middle of their talk.
– Understanding requires 4 things:
1. Understand what your spouse is really saying, not what you think he/she is saying.
2. Hear your spouse’s feelings. If you listen, you will find out how they really feel.
3. Discover what is truly important to your spouse and why.
4. Determine how strong your spouse feels about their perspective. Use a 1 to 10 scale and you will more easily find out how they feel.
– Empathetic listening is the opposite of asserting your own opinion.
– Love is an attitude, not a feeling. Those who only love when they feel like it will not love when the feeling is not present.
– Marriage is a continual process, always grow in your marriage. Read books, listen to audiobooks, attend seminars and do as much as you can to always be growing in your marriage.
– Almost no couple enjoys arguing, but many couples argue on a regular basis.
– Conflicts are inevitable, but arguments are optional (a very unhealthy option).
– When you win an argument, your spouse is a loser… and no one enjoys living with a loser.
– Arguments do not win conflicts, they only intensify them.