How to Have That Difficult Conversation Book Review by Jeff Bush

By Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend 

• When someone says they need to talk to us, we often become very anxious and fearful.

• We fear the talk is going to be about rejection or will be painful, so we put off the difficult conversation. 

• Probably the greatest benefit from having the confrontation is that it preserves the love in a relationship.

• Nothing is more unpleasant than having a relationship with someone yet being disconnected. 

• Be clear between “you” and “I.” You do not enjoy it when someone puts words in your mouth, so do not do that to the person you are speaking to.

• Speak from your own mind, experience and heart, not putting it on them. 

• Be clear about the nature of your problem.

• Make the issue as clear as possible to the other person. They may be unaware of the problem. 

• Clarify the affects of the problem. 

• Clarify your desire for change. Let them know what you would like to see, and what would solve the problem. Do not leave it at dumping the negative on them.

• Balance grace and truth. Look at God’s example in this area. Psalms 85:10

• Don’t blame, just inquire. 

• Affirm and validate the people you confront so they know they are valued. It’s grace before truth. 

• If you’re going to confront, make sure you have a clean slate first by apologizing if needed. 

• Don’t use the word “need” if it’s actually a want. Say, “I would like.”

• Only until a person is aware of a problem are they responsible for it. 

• Assume a person is innocent or does not know the severity. 

• Use Micah 6 

1. 1. 1. 1. Do justly
         2. Love mercy
         3. Walk humbly before God

• Go hard on the issue but soft on the person. 

• There are three things on the table: you, the other person, and the issue. 

• Remember confronting is a dialogue, not a monologue. 

• Remember that forgiveness of the past doesn’t mean trust for the future. 

• Ask the person to repeat back to you what you said, that way you know they understand your intention. 

• Speaking the truth in love is God’s way of confrontation. 

• It is good to want and desire positive outcomes, but you cannot demand them.