Tag: boundaries

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Love Her Well

By Kari Kampakis (summary by Jeffrey Bush)

  • Remember that God chose you for your child.
  • Let your daughter know that only Jesus is perfect, and you need Him just like she
    needs Him.
  • Remember that God loves your daughter much more than you can. Remember also
    that you are not alone, and you need help from God and others.
  • Your relationship will never be perfect, but it can be exceptional.
  • Your daughter needs you, and you need her.
  • We don’t give up on what God has given us (daughter) because God does not give
    up on us.

10 ways to find joy and connection with your teenage daughter:

  1. Choose your words and timing carefully.
    Criticism is a killer of relationships.
    Words have power, and your words as a parent have superpowers.
  2. Listen and empathize with her world.
    Listen to your daughter attentively.
    Proverbs 18:13.
  3. Be her mom.

You can outsource many things, but you cannot outsource your God-
given role as a parent.

Don’t be afraid to parent.
Your child might not understand rules now, but you are the parent.
Make your daughter aware of choices and consequences.
Don’t wait to have the difficult conversations with your daughter.
Help your daughter learn to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. She
will need to make decisions to do what’s right in life and it will not always
be comfortable.
Some parents work on rules with their children, and some parents work
on relationship – a wise parent does both.
Proverbs 29:17.
The question is not if your daughter will mess up rather how will you help
her when she messes up.

  1. Make relationship a priority.

Teenagers are human, and like any other human, they do better listening
from someone they know loves them.
Take the lead in cultivating a strong relationship with your daughter.
Apologize when you are wrong.
Be concise; she most likely will not listen to you give a long lecture, so be
concise.
Let go of regret.
Don’t compare your relationship with that of other parents/teens. Every
relationship has peaks and valleys, good and difficult seasons.
Give your daughter space when needed instead of peppering her with
questions.
Spend one on one time together.
Express specifically what you love about her.
Show affection, even when she does not reciprocate.
Show up, do your best, and keep trying.
Don’t take rejection personally.
Have fun together, don’t be afraid to be silly.

  1. See the good, loving her as she is where she is.

Recognize her potential.
Be the first to believe in her in the last to lose faith.
No one enjoys being around a person that expects perfection.
Be quick to point out when she does something right.
Praise her and applaud her.
Love her as she is.
Love her where she is.
When you become impatient with your daughter, remember how patient
God is with you.
Treat your daughter like she is already the person she has potential of
being.
Remember your own mess-ups.
Remember your influence with your daughter.
Those closest to us are the ones who can hurt us the most, so remember
this before you react or blow up.
Your daughter may look grown-up, but her brain is still developing, so
help her.
Know that your daughter is already criticizing herself.

  1. Help her find good friends and positive influences.

Friendships help get through adolescent years but friendships don’t
always stay the same.
Friendship for your daughter are just like friendships for you, they make
life better.
Help your daughter understand that the closer she is to God, the better
friend she can be.
A great friendship keeps God at the center.
Friendships make life better, but they do not eliminate all problems.
Only God is perfect and can give all the help needed — help your
daughter understands that.
Forced friendships, always expire.
Friendships should be a source of encouragement, not of stress.
Help your daughter know she needs the right friends, and needs to avoid
the wrong friends.
It is important that your daughter knows that good company will help her
while bad company will pull her down.

Your friends reveal your future, so help your daughter find the right
friends.
Get to know your daughter’s friends.

  1. Be her emotional coach.

Give your daughter space for her feelings and emotions.
Teach your daughter how to resolve conflict.
Limit her social media time.
Don’t be afraid of setting boundaries when needed.
Teach your daughter empathy – every day is a new opportunity to
practice empathy towards others.
Help her cultivate a healthy thought life.
Remember to be an example, because your daughter sees more in you
than she hears from you.
See conflicts as opportunities.
Teach your daughter to have an intimate walk with God.
Remember that you need good mental health in order to help your
daughter.
James 1:5 — God offers the wisdom you need.
Your daughter’s emotions can make her or break her, and you have the
responsibility to help her know how to navigate those emotions.

  1. Enjoy her, laugh often, and have fun.

Pay attention to the little things your daughter enjoys.
Randomly stop by your daughter’s bed and pray for her.
Do something fun with her like buy her something out of the norm, or
watch a movie late at night.
Take her to a coffee shop.
Play a board game or cards with her.
Surprise her with a gift or going somewhere.
Plan a party for her by picking up all her friends and taking them
somewhere.
Be present when you are with her.

  1. Take care of yourself and have a support system for hard days.

Exercise.
Go to the doctor when you need it.

Stop beating yourself up.
The script in your head matters, be careful what you tell yourself.
Don’t dwell on past regrets.
Yesterday is over and today is a new day.
Turn outward and not inward. Get help with problems instead of isolating
yourself. God and others are there to help you.
Know yourself and set limits for what you can and cannot do.
Teenagers need space and help, and it’s easier to give them the space
and help they need.

  1. Pray for her and empower her through faith.

Pray for your daughter to make the right decisions.
Pray for God to cultivate a love for Him and others in her heart.
Pray for her health.
Pray for her to seek God’s approval over men’s approval.
Pray for her to have good friends.
Pray for her future spouse.
Pray she will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and have strong convictions.
Remember it’s not in your prayers but in the One to whom you are
praying.

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Raising Grateful Kids In An Entitled Generation: Book Review by Jeff Bush

by Kristen Welch 

  • How can we explain or expect gratitude from our children if we are not showing it in our own lives.
  • Although our children should expect our love and acceptance, they must learn not to expect the material things this world places in front of them.
  • Entitlement winds its way through families. Everything from portion sizes, presents, activities, clothes and toys.
  • Resolving entitlement starts with teaching your children to be thankful for what they already have.
  • Entitlement has always been around, so maybe it’s the parenting that has changed and not the children. We are giving without making them earn, not saying no and overindulging.
  • Proverbs 22:6 has another side to it, a negative one. If you allow children to do whatever they want, they are not going to depart from their bad ways even when they’re old. 
  • Sometimes parents say no so often that they lose the opportunities to explain why they say no.
  • Sadly, parents feel pressured to give their children things they don’t necessarily need because everyone else is giving it to their children (best schools, sports, brand names, vacations, etc.).
  • Begin your quest for contentment. Is Jesus really enough for you?
  • The blurry line of being friend and parent is one of the most controversial lines in parenting today.
  • Kids need to learn how to problem solve. Parents do not need to rob this lesson from them.
  • We cannot make our parenting decisions based on what other parents are doing.
  • Temporary unhappiness from kids not getting their way can make for happiness as adults that love God and others.
  • Wanting our kids to be happy all the time might just be feeding their entitlement attitude.
  • Let your kids be devastated at age six so their first time is not when they are in college.
  • Tell your kids it’s more important who they are then what they have.
  • It is not your job as a parent to provide exciting activities every leisure moment. Kids are known for saying they are bored, but they need to learn to go outside, be creative and find things to do. 
  • Challenge your kids to turn their phone around and take pictures of others instead of themselves. Take them to a homeless shelter. Teach them to think of others.
  • Parents should make restrictions on their kid’s social media platforms/accounts, and should not feel bad about it.
  • You should ask and know your children’s passwords and accounts. This is not an invasion of privacy, it is protecting your children. There are predators and dangerous people out there that want to hurt your children.
  • We must teach our children self control. We will not always be with them to help make decisions, so they must learn to make decisions on their own. Proverbs 25:28
  • Obedience should be expected not suggested. But do so with grace and love.
  • Losing is good for your kids, not bad. Giving a participation trophy does not teach them about life, in fact, it makes them expect more.
  • Make your marriage more important than your children, it’s what you and your kids need. 
  • Nothing makes us more grateful than perspective.
  • The best way to teach gratitude is to model it. Do they see you saying thank you, writing a thank you card and being kind to the server at a restaurant?
  • You may get mad or feel you’ve messed up with your kids, but there’s time to ask forgiveness… so do it when necessary. 
  • Talking to older parents will help coach you as you’re raising your kids.
  • 7 Ways yo Teach Gratitude to our Kids, instead of Entitlement:
          1. Teach ownership. Chores and responsibilities. Their clothes and possessions. 
          2. Stress the value of money. Saving and spending money. Let them have an allowance for their work or an amount on vacation and not get more when it’s spent. It’s easier for them to spend your money than theirs. Teach and encourage them to give. 
          3. Emphasize the value of hard work. Make work part of your daily routine. Teach them to pick up after themselves as well as specific jobs around the house. Let them be in charge of making dinner and cleaning up after meals.
          4. Teach responsibility and consequences. Require them to do their own laundry when they get to a certain age, and when they run out of clean items don’t run to the rescue. It is hard to watch your kids fail, but sometimes that’s what they need to do. 
          5. See the benefits of delayed gratification. In a world of instant gratification children must learn to delay the immediate reward for the later reward. The reward that is worked for and waited for is usually much more valued. 
          6. Give your children a larger worldview. Perspective is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children and yourself, and service is a great way to package it. Not everyone in the world has what you have, many have far less. Your kids need to know that. Take them to work at a homeless shelter or places they can help and as see the need of others. Your family is at its best when you are helping serve others. 
          7. Strive to instill faithfulness. Persevering when things are hard is often rewarding. 
  • Don’t ground your children from spiritual activities. Sometimes parents will not let their children go to a church event because of the way they acted. But they need that influence more than other things they have or do in life.
  • One of the greatest gifts we can ask from the Lord is wisdom. 
  • Nothing we can do or say can ever substitute for bowing our heads and praying for our children. 
  • Prayer is often the last thing we think when raising kids, but God wants to walk this path with us. And there’s nothing greater than telling our parental needs to the One who parents us.
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People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them The Keys : Book Review by Jeff Bush

By Mike Bechtle 

  • Drama free doesn’t mean ridding of the drama, or the people that create it, rather the affect it has in you.
  • When it comes to drama, you have three choices: 
    1. Get the crazy person to change. 
    2. Live with the craziness. You can learn to accept it. 
    3. Get the crazy person out of your life. You can leave the situation.
  • Your relationship with God will help your relationship with others. 
  • When you determine to grow in spiritual maturity you’ll be able to better deal with drama and craziness.
  • We all have drama in our lives, but some people are controlled by it.
  • Our emotions are based on assumptions. The problem with assumptions is that we are basing solely on the facts that we have. 
  • Proverbs 18:17 teaches that our arguments make sense until we hear the other side.
  • False hopes destroy a relationship. While you’re expecting the other person to change, they likely are hoping for the same thing.
  • 5 truths about relationships:
          1. People with the most drama are the ones we spend the most time with (friends, family, coworkers, etc.). 
          2. Relationships take work.
          3. Relationships take time.
          4. The past doesn’t have to dictate the future.
          5. You don’t have to be the victim. 
  • When people are angry, they do not make logical decisions. 
  • The key to surviving crazy people is determining what we can and cannot control. We can control ourselves, but not others.
  • If each of us try to see how the other person sees, we’re laying the foundation for a good relationship.
  • If we want to best know how to use our car, we read the instruction manual. If we want to best know how to deal with other people, we read the instructions from the One who made people.
  • The key to managing our emotions is learning to manage our thoughts. 
  • Feelings come and go but love remains, and we are commanded to love. 
  • Realize that people are not accountable to you.
  • Reactive people focus on the problems while responsive people focus on the positive.